I cannot live within you nor you within me if war and winning is all that be"

Some things could not be ignored like a toothache a heartbreak and a choice that one would need to make. Sometimes it takes one years to even recognize a choice needed to be made and I often fell into that category. I was a stubborn one (a finner quality I believe) and needed to go through much before seeing such an obvious choice. Time and time again I had chose to love another, to give myself completely to something or someone. I had never decidedly chose myself and in doing so it caused a great riff in time. A wave felt to be very uncomfortable to myself and especially others. Others who were in no way used to me choosing my own growth, even to the cost of they and I's separation.

   However, I believed in many things gone unseen by others perspectives and chose to believe that all was of Divine order, including loss, hurt, blame, and sacrifice. I held strong faith that the coming together of some things and people would take place after different healings would occur. At times just mine. Oftentimes others as well. I couldn't, no I didn't, wish to believe in a world of my own co-creating abilities being part of something, someplace that would allow certain aspects to stay forever separate. Especially when the growing and healing were to the benefit of those now separated yet involved in the earlier cause of the effective healings being done by myself in the beginning, the first placements of healing. 

  "I cannot live within you nor you within me if war and winning is all that be"....

   As you can tell my "books" or "chapters" didn't come out as planned but neither does many aspects of my life, yet another confusing and joyous gift I am forever grateful for. I found myself in days of contemplation, tears, and much appreciative laughter after the words I had written here, in this, and also found not only my days, my thoughts and my desires had taken their own colored life's change, but so had my dreams. I didn't plan to speak of my children in this book of men who helped me along to my Muchness and such a small version this had decided to be as many men were left unspoken of and each deserved their own due respect and love from me. Also all the beautiful women, most who would I'm sure rather go unnamed, and so I give that respect as well.

   My children came sneaking into my dreams like they used to inside my room during storms at night when they were little and I felt more than compelled to end this writing this portion of my muchness the same way as it began so very long ago. Surprising, confusing, and still able to contain great amounts of love, I again awoke from a dream….