How I found My Muchness An Epic Epoch By Nikki Payne

 No longer did I wish to be A candle burning at both ends Sit I in the middle of Endings to begin Nor did I aspire To be either of the flame Nor to be the candle Steadfast, docile, tame Wick, or spark No longer having control I was fire burning Oxygen to grow

 Maybe I am not A brightly shining star Maybe i am darkness Sitting where you are Maybe I will not shine Bright for all to see Maybe it's the darkness Illuminating me

 Letting Go was like pulling off my own skin Faithful in my innermost knowing I would grow again Loving every painful memorie Separating each from, for, me From, For, Thee Consistent I WAS Constant I AM Love I BE For YOU For Me SEE

 I could fall in love as easy as a wave crashing against the shore Even though I would fall I pick myself up more What were these traps of emotion Memories with changing faces Never never going anywhere but always changing places Trails I no longer wished to follow in a straight line Would I admit ownership and assume that these were mine Tracing with my fingers line after line I wondered how long it been since I'd held one in my hand Watching as it created or destroyed with each feeling Would I sigh and blow away like the sands of time Or hold my breath imagining that each was divine Lay to rest another dream to recover with a spark Sleep for eternity just to enjoy the dark Believe that I could rise above and be high as the sun Sitting on my throne burning away all that I've done Or barely visible as the crescent Moon waxing waning away Feeling all the moments between the night and the day Creating though not carefully every second minute hour Allowing thoughts to replenish me...

 I was never looking for a way "out", I didn't know I was already "in"🤷  Once innerstanding I AM the "observer", I was able to look "around"🤯 I found "beauty" in the "ugliest" of places (all internal)🥰  I "wanted" to share (force), I "desired" to "connect" (love)😌  I had "hated" all (self), I "liked" all else (perceived others)🤦  I was "whole" and "empty" 🧐 I AM now "empty" and "whole"😘  I actively "fill" (feel) my self 😉  I SEE ALL and am able to appreciate ALL💗  (If this were my only life time, my only chance for living, I AM Grateful for ALL)🤟  I used to be so scared of being judged... Until I realized that judging doesn't make Mee WHO I AM 🤍  My Success, is Mee... Just as I AM and ABLE to BE...The "best" version of "Mee", is the "best" version of "YOU". 🤩 And not to...

    There are moments I need to sit with my shadow     I put my back To the sun, becoming one     It's in this Loves ever innerstanding     I see through the works All to do, and that is done      Other times I place my face gently into the light     And even through the brightest rays I can still see the dark filled night      I embrace a sense of gratitude Be it pitch black or day     I've asked my beautiful Shadow of me To never go away  

    When you leave me I grow stronger As some do weepily so     To strengthen me in love and loving Though the difference I did not yet know     Gratefully painfully I say unto you Appreciative tearfilled words     When Gone ignored I know for certain I am active in my best work     

    Today I soaked up My medicine beneath the trees     My entire self filled with light Above my shoulders below my knees     I felt its effects  Almost instantly pulsing with my heartbeat     Then I shared it with Earth in heaven Through my hands and my bare feet     

    Dream of me In colours bare     Canvas  For all to see     All the beauty One does share     Comes from you Through Thee     Keep your flame A glow A glow     To see through Darkest hours     For your light Shines brightly love      The Soul Within life's flower    

    I love myself Today    It started out As a game I would play    Kind of like An experiment    To see if I could Believe what I meant    It was more of a joke I played upon myself    To see if I could love me Like I love everything else    I must now admit How truly well it worked    An when I love myself My heart no longer hurt 

    What I have dubbed as destiny Some have dubbed as fate     The white rabbits watch was broken So was he truly late late late     Does divine time Miss it's Mark     Are you a slave To your broken clock     Do you go about Living either way     Weather falling down a rabbit hole Or slipping in the mirrored way     We all arrive We all depart     Through each portal Of our open heart

    How does one admit The most amazing fallacies    One has for so long Allowed oneself to believe    Do I dare convince myself That it was but a dream    Or does one learn To lean into the stream    Admitting acknowledging accepting All the parts that make up me    Even the most delicate of Amazing fallacies....

    If our thoughts Create immortality    I wonder then What you think of me    I hold each thought Of my own    Like a breath before The Seed is sown    Perfection can make  Quite a mess    In my beautiful Imperfectness    I beg of each To let me go    To allow my growth To become my home    No longer Tangled In thoughts wantonness desire    But to become each moment Each eternal hour

     This morning when I woke I had but one feeling in my heart.... To love myself so much that I could love everyone else. No matter the situation no matter the circumstance. This would be no easy task, yet, this would be no task at all.   ....I sat for a moment pondering over my life...     What was it inside of me that for a time allowed me to believe that I had the ability to judge anyone for anything....    As the morning comes each day Do you allow it to wash away    All the things from your yesterday You do not wish to carry into today....

    As each well-lit opportunity has been designed for my enjoyment, my wonderment, and the filling of my own soul, I fearlessly chose each morning the path, or paths, allowing my energy to connect with source, the angels, my guides, and nature. The Earth my road my bed my body my soul the heavens my thoughts in my head....    I took nothing with me but courage faith and love. I had more than enough to share joyfully with any I may have the blessing of meeting along my way...    Are you joy-filled Within choices made    Seeing each as steps Opportunity laid    Just for you, especially Possibly to meet With Thee....

    As I stepped out into the light, illuminated by my own inner brilliance, everything was surrounded, touched by rainbows. I could hear Angels all around me. Gently they spoke of newness to come, of completion of cycles, and of Gifts of abundance in my life. I felt as though everything was new, my breath, my heartbeat, and my steps laid before me. Each lit with magnificent colors and reflecting all one hopes to see, when Awaking From A Dream.     Bright beautiful pathways, each available for my own discovering. Each calling out to my, heart, my Soul, and my feet. I, in the past, would have felt overwhelmed at the sight, However, having reclaimed my muchness I had hidden within for so long I now had the strength to look upon such beauty, such magnificence, such grace, as the choosing of my own path.       I had donned my socks      Ironed my clothes      Brushed my hair      Powdered my nose ...

How I found My Muchness An Epic Epoch By: Nikki Payne 9/18/2020 Dedication Dedicated to my children, who will probably never understand me, however, I am sure will understand portions of Love's written Word. for they each share my heart, my stubbornness, and their own parts in the finding of My Muchness.  Sabastian, Two, Season, and Nova. Thank you all for your many lessons in my own eternal growing of Self. Prologue    I loved him... Hell... I've loved them all! I gave all of me... Wholeheartedly... To each often... From the start... I mean... Who does that? Like, I haven't even shopped his store before... Why would I pay for EVERYTHING UP FRONT... never having sampled his line of shit!  (Drum, Drum, Drum) this is the story of: How I found My Muchness.    As I sat there and called all my pieces back to me while lazily lighting my cigar... Again... I felt almost detached from any real healing coming in. I never dreamed the next step of my life wou...

   I cannot tell of Love or loss from the people in this story of mine, for as I stated earlier life is still young and early and I hold hope for each, but I can tell you even if I never see any of them again their story, each of them, will forever grow inside of me, of you, and them. There is no ending to be had in my eternal Love's Frozen rolling flaming bridge of Soul. Only hopes wishes and desires remain. To change time and visit again as i rifle through the pages in my mind, in my heart, and shared together on my own soul bridge between the two...    Love is a lengthy tale Held by each it's part    Never to have true ending Only to share the start    Written spoken fought Like wars never ending cause    Remembered in each other's breath Heartbeats stole to pause    The coming together and letting go As smooth or rough as one wants    But always coming back to In time the ever beating hearts       ...

I am reminded of a beautiful song in this moment that has helped me in more ways than I myself can possibly explain…  "let me go boys let me go push my boat from the highest cliff to the sea below rocks are waiting boys rocks are waiting swoop down from the sky and catch me like the birds of prey now my feet don't touch the ground now my head won't stop waiting lifetimes to be found now my feet don't touch the ground" Coldplay….

Now some may read this and find no meaning more than a short story, word brought together by unfinished loves and heartbreaks or turmoils. This is not the book for them, yet. This that has been inscribed from heart, head, and pen is my own personal journey forever unfinished just like the melting of my soul's partially frozen flaming bridge between head and heart. I hope it never melts completely, for to give up some memories Frozen in Time would again start my towers demise. These words written, at times without me, are to show nothing more than the hardest most walled prison I had put myself in although I never closed the door with no lock. To give to any who feel deeply enough to rekindle their own internal flame, the one message we all hold, but at times are too fearful to accept…                    "we are never alone"....    Surrounded by our own mental moving memories of ...

I was sluggish almost statue like peering into my thoughts. I felt as I had dreamed of my eldest daughter though she took no physical form. Only vast darkness like the corners of my mind. Two large dark eyes and a voice encircling a memory of her eating steak with just her hands as this had always been her favorite way to devour the tasty meat. She would smile as a child with it dripping from her chin at the table. She spoke in an echoed voice and I wouldn't seem to hold on to anything she was saying rolling away with the grease and I, only ever lost in the dark blue of her eyes.     She was strong-willed and wise and held a hold on me I could not describe and haunted my memories of sleep the past couple nights. I'd always admired her courage to be stubborn and find her own thoughts and ways about things and the dreams had me wondering at what the universe, vast like her eyes, had in store for my own destiny or fate. Neither her, nor my son had spoken to me in over a...

Some things could not be ignored like a toothache a heartbreak and a choice that one would need to make. Sometimes it takes one years to even recognize a choice needed to be made and I often fell into that category. I was a stubborn one (a finner quality I believe) and needed to go through much before seeing such an obvious choice. Time and time again I had chose to love another, to give myself completely to something or someone. I had never decidedly chose myself and in doing so it caused a great riff in time. A wave felt to be very uncomfortable to myself and especially others. Others who were in no way used to me choosing my own growth, even to the cost of they and I's separation.    However, I believed in many things gone unseen by others perspectives and chose to believe that all was of Divine order, including loss, hurt, blame, and sacrifice. I held strong faith that the coming together of some things and people would take place after different healings would occur. At t...

As I had decided to fill my days with desires I often day dreamed of Yernasia. I held high expectational hopes of one day meeting this mysterious person, this enigma of mine. Out of the blue, azure, the call had came and I, having never done so before, answered the call of the stranger. And as in all stories to be told, my life, and ever grateful for it, would never be the same.    How does the pupil gift it's master, it's teacher, it's encasing that held the seed it imagined a million times before deciding itself to allow the force of the inevitable cracking, its own letting go, that would allow the sprout to spring forth and decide its own fate or destiny from that painfully beautiful moment on. As tears streamed lovingly down my cheeks my pen read out of ink, I looked again to the trees and saw so big and clear inside the pines "P.S." and I knew what followed were words not often said between us, however, always known, and held true, "I Love You".    ...

My thoughts of David had slowed and my days grew shorter yet I felt stronger having released the feelings kept bottled for times review through ink stained paper now to float its own course through life and eyes of any brave enough to open and read the words that seem to magically emerge from my hands. Letting Go wasn't the hard part, I often coward myself. I found difficulties in the adjusting of letting go. Spaces once filled with memories gone over till my heart beat or bled. I longed for remembrances no more and of this I found proud moments within myself. I had found many beautiful lessons I would be forever grateful for among the aches and pains of growing, and much like the composting of the leaves under tree, I too knew something else would Bloom from its decay. Some beautiful blossom not yet imagined and interwoven on my soul's flame flowing Frozen bridge. Dripping away to water the new casings planted by my letting go, my leap of Faith, to die and bare again new growt...