"Self" Respect

Phil had come for a visit this day and I nor he were quite the same as all things shift with times ever moving hand. I held back for the first time since the first time with this man. We set for a spell at the table talking of nothing of substance. Then both to the bed that we had held and shared many raw feelings in time and visit before, But not this time, not this visit. Neither quite sure how to address the other we laid quietly separate and watched the end of one movie, pretended to nap in our own busy blank minds, and I started another. A good movie we both liked, however he and I both knew his visit was short, too short to talk, too cramped to watch a movie. And like all times before his time had expired and the words he often spoke came out again only this time to be caught by the wind instead of the warm embrace of his friend. We both knew why only neither would allow it's coming together in form. We said our generic goodbye. As he walked away whispering the wish of returning I yelled through the window the only truth of this visit today "I love you! Be safe!" and he drove away. This time not looking back to catch a last view of my warmth for this time it was to each our own to hold our flames.

   I went back to the door as he drove away and looked to the trees for their message of how I'd fared in this meeting and was greeted by the hummingbird and I knew I had pleased the heavens. Not by withholding but withstanding... Self-respect was gifted this day and I had a witness through my friend of feelings, Phil. He had brought me my most favorite gift of death. A cheap pack of cigars. I enjoyed holding the fatness of each one between my fingers as I sat in contemplation of the days. And I gave him the gift of life as I read him his cards. He had completed some task of Fate bestowed upon him through bloodline, ancestry of family ties left to him to fulfill. His cards read of a miracle he was to receive though I couldn't tell what only that he had done something to recover a key of his own, and that he needed to give himself some credit because it was completed through his loving heart. He of course led on he had no idea of what it was he'd done. I assumed the key miracle given to him was to use upon his own heart he fought so hard to keep hidden, as we all do, when one's heart is the size of the world and all its inhabitants. Thinking back I would have liked to have nurtured him after what I read in the cards but I suppose that was not to take place this day, this visit, this time. So I allowed my mind to be caught up again in the mind of another and continued back to the movie.

   I was no longer concerned when one would return, a thing I had learned through David... And like a thief casing an address before breaking in, again about my mind stole David…

I was no longer "giving" myself away and as I watched the leaves start to change colors and the first courageous few take their final leap of faith to their eternal resting place I began to imagine each one holding something I myself had let go of. Taking it with it to its own composing death never to return in its former form of leaf on tree but after the winter and just as spring to rebirth as clovers, flowers, or wild grasses under its own once home of bark and limb, the tree of its first life and home. Shaded by its own dazed memories of basking high above the ground it now held close too, its own shadow of knowledge keeping it from burning and withering in the sun as I myself had once done clinging to the light of my David. Drawing life from his own I had called him my home oh so many moons ago. I like the leaf that would fall, rot, and flower had decided to let go and drift sleeplessly to My own foundation of growth and spring forth from my newness, my rebirth, my Muchness. A nap would not come easy but I did enjoy trying to fool myself so again I went to the bed trying not to think of him, them, or the love that had been made in it. I laid there listening to nothing thinking of everything and still knowingly fooling myself, I daydreamed of sleep and night dreams and contemplated pondering some more. I peered out to the trees again for any midday messages before drifting off accidentally into my nap. BooBoo by my side I pretended rest was upon me.