Out Of The Blue Azure, P.S...

As I had decided to fill my days with desires I often day dreamed of Yernasia. I held high expectational hopes of one day meeting this mysterious person, this enigma of mine. Out of the blue, azure, the call had came and I, having never done so before, answered the call of the stranger. And as in all stories to be told, my life, and ever grateful for it, would never be the same.

   How does the pupil gift it's master, it's teacher, it's encasing that held the seed it imagined a million times before deciding itself to allow the force of the inevitable cracking, its own letting go, that would allow the sprout to spring forth and decide its own fate or destiny from that painfully beautiful moment on. As tears streamed lovingly down my cheeks my pen read out of ink, I looked again to the trees and saw so big and clear inside the pines "P.S." and I knew what followed were words not often said between us, however, always known, and held true, "I Love You". 

   In that moment I noticed the ink flowing gently across the pages had turned to blue, azure, one of his own descriptive words of Selfs aura and I was filled with joy unmeasurable. I had pondered days before of writing him into my life, to be so clever as to outwit this most intelligent person I had the pleasure of befriending. I daydreamed often of saving the money to one day show up like a UB40 song in "Kingston Town" and Yernasia be there waiting for me, his own Queen. I spoke about it once to him and he had laughed like he often did when conversing with me whom he had dubbed "knucklehead" and I grasped as a loving and Worthy title.

   The winds had changed, the season had changed, and I too, still holding the owl feather, had changed. I had told him early in our meeting of talk and written words that I had no intention of growing up and that I believe is when he knew he would enjoy the challenges of me and had to change, or possibly not change, his own strategy and chose to encourage me to grow in. I liked him in the way his mind worked immediately. I found great comfort in his ability to keep up with my "oh so far outside the box" way of thinking. When he spoke to me for my first ever hearing and understanding of "childlike". Informing me of its special gifts of the ability one has when able to retain this "personality trait". I imagine in only a short time he himself realized this was no "trait" of mine but my own true Self. Heart, mind, eyes, and soul. I liked this about myself. I learned of many things I liked about myself through the teachings and lessons of Yernasia. I was bold, brave, and believed in the impossible. I saw almost everything through eyes and heart of love, except for Self up until him. Opening me and encouraging me to travel every path of my own existence. Past, present, and dreams of my own desired Future Self. There were times that hurt very much reviewing the goings on and finally confronting them. Mostly of my childhood or lack thereof. Standing up for myself had always been a quality of mine. However, standing up to those I loved for myself had been something I had coward away from. Denying my own true feelings to allow the feelings of others to remain calm. It was something I had learned as a child, the youngest of three in a bold family, I always wanted to create the one thing I never saw or felt, peace, and I did so at my own expense. Although I knew not of this cost until I was older and left to face the world on my own. Charged as an adult and held to its expectations. I, even now in some situations, had not the skills required of such life and living expectations and constant scrutiny, although no supervision was ever made available. I learned to not pay heed to the judgments of others though I had not learned not to judge myself as harshly as they did. 

   I went inside with the guidance of Yernasia and others, all strangers on my path of discovering my own Muchness, For years of hermiting inside, wondering,  digging, and weeding, all in the ever growing knowing it was up to me to tend to my own internal garden. Some spots were to remain covered but known. Like potatoes or carrots, carrots only showing a bit on the surface. Other parts of my internal garden bloomed outward for all to see and some so beautifully grown to me I cared not if judged by others. Some spots still under reconstruction and healing, some still sore, only able to be seen by the eyes of others doing their own internal workings. I felt these spots were for the angels and devils within us to notice and grow or heal or sheer and let go. As most due I had saved the best for last. Covered by thorns, weeds, wildflower blossoms, and decay, was the inner most important garden of all, the heart. Fed by the soul river and winds of the minds thoughts I had let mine go unattended for long enough. The angels and devils had connected me to Yernasia. Yernasia always guided me back to me. To find my own way, my own self, and my own Muchness.