Dreams and Rememberances

I held myself in place from running out to watch him drive away. I thought he was retrieving something from the car, I could see his silhouette reaching for the seat belt through the darkness of the rolled up window and closed door. I looked away. I didn't wish to watch him leave as he had sneakily done many times before. When I opened my eyes I reached for Boo. There he was nestled in beside me in the bed. McClintock just about to spank his wife in front of the whole town, her in her pantaloons and him with a smile on his face. A mid-morning dream had snuck in the same as David was sneaking out, through my mind. I got up and held the fat cigar between my fingers and reached for the pen with the other hand. One to kill and one to heal. This day I found my fingers and mind working much without the integrity of the connection between the two... Me. I decided to watch the movie again and wondered would this be my own "groundhog's day" (another good movie of repetitive Love and hate, or angst) and surrendered myself to the prison of Love's self-making bed again. The birds chirped, the sun struggled to shine as did I this day, as did I.

   The car was white and new with the dark tinted windows. There was a message for me there somewhere in the dream. However, I wasn't quite sure if I was ready to see, to give up on the dream, to once again become more of my Muchness of me, I pressed play on the video player once again. crawling back in beside booze warmth always eased my soul. He was after all the bestest friend I could rely on... And even he got up sleepily and moved to the end of the bed, near the edge. I felt I too must take a leap soon from the edge, maybe after the movie today, maybe. I could not yet say. This day was still early, not nearly 9:00 a.m. and I was being lazy and felt that I deserved it. One couldn't see any "work" I was doing outwardly, oh but if one could spend a moment of their time stepping into my mind or heart they would more than understand why I always appeared tired and overworked after a long day of doing "nothing"...

   Daydream remembrances

Night of blank space

   No matter where I looked

I always saw your face

   Weather haunting or surprising

I always found delight

   Be it dreams during the day

Or the remembrances of the night...

   As fall came so did the shadows I attempted to steer away from my heart's remembrances. They just seemed easier to bruise my mind with than the tears and tears they would scatter amongst my healing heart. The days seemed long although shortened with the seasons. I suppose I was trying to hold on to the earlier months even though we mostly only fought through them against one another, we were at least "together" or so it appeared when he would appear at my door.

   It had been months now since I last saw his face and though I held out for a visit I internally knew it would be months again before I would see him again... I would see him again?... I began to ask myself and give way to the fear of never laying my eyes upon the beauty of his overthought and silent expressionless face. His eyes two different blues, one light for falling into and one dark for fighting my way back out of the pools of his ever-changing temperatures of love. My fingers were addicted to his skin and they fiend for a single touch some days. Those days I would go into the middle of the yard, wrap my arms around myself tightly and cry and speak to the angels there holding me holding myself. I asked the birds and the dragonflies to deliver messages to my David. Believing he would receive each one in his own intuitively guided way. He was gifted with the insights of the Angels, though he didn't ever mention about it to others. The dead spoke to him in their own voices and I wondered if when he thought of me and our love if that meant it too was dead for him to be able to hear it's echoes. I stopped myself from thinking this way, denying fear it's worthy space in my mind so as not to reach my heart and attempt to refreeze the bridge melting,yet ever flowing between the two. Oh the space between the two, at constant war yet loving the feel of freeze on heated flame rolling back and forth incessantly like the boat that delivers the dead to the island between heaven and hell... Still seeking one last choice from each victimless victim of death's embrace and the afterlife gift of rebirth of forevers nothingness. I began to wonder again in my mind still warmed by my heart's thought of David's skin, his smile, and his clever way of sneaking to and fro between my own internal forever or never, heaven or hell, heart or mind. He always found refuge and rest in my soul.