Charlie The Spider

Charlie The Spider

As I ventured again my sights out The escape of The doors light I watched a single leaf fall heavily to the ground and knew it was my own autumn. I had let something that had been weighing upon my internal tree of Life go too. For an unspoken thought of Hope it was not some anchor of Love's hold but some discarded empty box no longer carrying around the nothingness of thoughts I'd occasionally allowed myself to get lost wondering through. Rifling through pages of blank half-hearted memories I had caressed many times before ending or beginning each one anew in whichever way my heart or head had decided to create once touched by my flickering fingers of flame and ice. 

    Some stuck and others burnt away day after day touch after touch with my rememberings. I decided to walk out into the yard and stare into the sun now shining through the leaves stacked overhead. Hoping the rays would burn away things from my mind I myself could not yet let escape to the unknown. I thanked the sun for its work this day and the cool playful breeze upon my dampened face for allowing me to feel all the feelings wash away and dry away without knowledge of remembrance of each one as it left my heart, my mind , my tears behind. Now smeared into my purple sundress to finish its cycle of vanishing as I stood strong in the shadow of love, of tree, and directly in the ray of my own light. 

   Coming back into the house I saw the blue tail lizard I had made a home for out of an old moss covered stump I placed by the door where he often bathed and caught bugs. The stump topped by an old stained glass and iron hanging light David had presented me with knowing my love for old things and this was definitely a beautiful piece. It brought me great joy seeing the lizard enjoying the castle I made for him and as he sat and allowed me to view all his beauty, I again felt the warmth of security and home at this little piece of my own personal Paradise given to me by Brute. I woke him every morning for work and coffee. He finally had gone out on his own and started his own company of beautifying others landscapes. He was in a hurry this morning so I couldn't ask him to now put in the porch bulb he tried to replace for me last night. We argued last evening over replacing it for Charlie the spider lived between the bulb and the door and Brute had no intention of sparing his home so I voted to go again without the light even though my fear of the dark mornings still resided inside me. Brute said it was on me to walk over in the darkness to make coffee and ensure he was up for work and I accepted my fate to save Charlie's home. When I set out in the morning however Brute had left his own light on, arguing yet ever understanding my childlike love and fight for such things as the spider. We talked a bit this morning and as I came back home I noticed Charlie was gone. I suppose he heard the argument an knew Brute had bought me a new bulb and decided his time of guarding the entrance was complete. I'd miss Charlie as I missed other creatures that came in and out of my life but I also knew he had already stayed longer than the seasons permit to keep an eye on me and once the new bulb came he stayed one more night and was packed and the next dawning of daybreak sneaking away without a goodbye. Maybe this was the message of my daydream...

   " Just be yourself" I kept hearing inside the clutter of my mind and wondered if that is what I was seeking now. How to find among my muchness, the meness of me, my own self... What did that even mean "Self" and again I allowed my mind to traverse across its own displayed timeline not following any set rule of travel. It jumped and skipped at will like a child off each thought emotion or memory that led to another. Time had no hold on my internal timeline of Self... Who or what or wherever my own Self was in each moment's breath, my Self was ever changing and growing and falling away and I encouraged each step along its ever-changing path. I permitted free range for my growing never bonsaiing any wondering Branch. I could grow wild and barren as the tumbleweed and allow the wind to carry as far as it pleased or as thick as the grass grown down by the creek full of all the minerals and drink every blade would individually need to grow lush and inviting to the barest of feet.

   I believe this sort of growth in every direction publicly on display for every peering or needing eye to see is what gave others the impression of my courageousness. Or perhaps my ability to speak so openly about love be it frozen in the pangs of time or burning hot when embers stoked. I however did not see it as courageous. I saw everything through my childlike state of heart, eyes, and love and felt the Angels delivered all peering eyes to see at their own Divine moment of fated or destined messages to be received. I felt as though my ability to share in such moments with others a privilege given by the heavens and so I treated held and nurtured each as such. A Divine miracle, much like Charlie's Web,  I was allowed to be a part of. I thanked the Angels often for this and gave gratitude daily , some days my whole day was spent giving back to the angels that often held me so tenderly.