Bold. Courageous. Stubborn. Strong.

I was sluggish almost statue like peering into my thoughts. I felt as I had dreamed of my eldest daughter though she took no physical form. Only vast darkness like the corners of my mind. Two large dark eyes and a voice encircling a memory of her eating steak with just her hands as this had always been her favorite way to devour the tasty meat. She would smile as a child with it dripping from her chin at the table. She spoke in an echoed voice and I wouldn't seem to hold on to anything she was saying rolling away with the grease and I, only ever lost in the dark blue of her eyes.

    She was strong-willed and wise and held a hold on me I could not describe and haunted my memories of sleep the past couple nights. I'd always admired her courage to be stubborn and find her own thoughts and ways about things and the dreams had me wondering at what the universe, vast like her eyes, had in store for my own destiny or fate. Neither her, nor my son had spoken to me in over a year. Both having their own reasons and growing lessons we all had to find our own way about I suppose. Being a very young mother when I had my son at 15 it was easier for me to understand their resistance though not the absence for so long. I found peace after the first year of silence but they still struggled and warred inside themselves. I sent cards for special holiday through the post and my youngest, who was only able to give me value through her own experiences as a young mother, would pass them on to her brother and sister. Single and bold she was in every way. 

   Bold, courageous, and stubborn. They all had to have acquired from me being as each had their own separate father.  I allowed the space for their stubbornness for I myself had found much of my own Muchness in this way I miss them but spoke to them often through dreams and visions in my own mind's eye. I commended them daily for a battle well fought for to hold a mother such as I at Bay was no simple feat and they conquered each day's war that went unspoken between us. They were all very close and in my reality this was the most important point of it all to me even if I were to be sacrificed to obtain it and help its bond to form. I was ever willing to be that for them and their own closeness and firm foundations of Self. My son had won his own battles the previous years before. He had fought through much and I was proud for it was no easy way to come up in this world and his road was scattered with potholes all along it. My dream of him walking away with his hair flowing like a lion's mane is a vision I had seen a hundred times as he won each of his own battles. And to be quite honest I'd liked that they did it and emerged on their own, even though it meant without me it also meant their own strong and courageous victory and that too was most important to me and for each of them. I knew there footing in life was a strong one. I had lost one child in my own early wars with Self and felt he was my first bridge to the heavens and hells allowing the angels and I to communicate so openly so clearly. I gave thanks to him each day for his own sacrifice to watch over us all from the earliest moments of our lives and his own. My youngest had given me a plant when I told her the story of him after she had her own child and she is who helped me ease the pain I had carried for over 20 years holding him secret in my heart. All my children were my stars my victories and my heart's beats and blows and I wouldn't change a thing in the unfolding of our lives. For life was still early and the planets moved all the time and I knew in my soul one day they would align again and we would emerge as more than related, but friends and this too was important to me.